


Attack on High-School Athletics: Bite-Sized Snacks Edition

by pengiesama



Series: Attack on High-School Athletics [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Preschool, Driving Lessons, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Tabletop Gaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-04 05:31:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pengiesama/pseuds/pengiesama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of shorts for the Attack on High-School Athletics series. It would be advisable to not actually eat them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eren Gets Jealous That Armin's Tutoring Jean, Because Eren's Dumb Too, Why Can't He Get A Sexy Tutor

**Author's Note:**

> Just a collection of shorts that I've written for my Attack on High-School Athletics AU.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is dumb and jealous that he's not dumb enough for a tutor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the anon prompt on my tumblr, "ILY ok HS AU, Jean and Armin have a class together and Jeans failing so Armin offers to tutor him to help, but forgets to mention it to Eren and when Eren sees Armin and Jean suddenly hanging out a lot he starts to get suspicious and act a fool".

"I don’t like it." Eren glowered balefully across the library at Jean and Armin’s study session. It is possible that he considered himself hidden from view behind the massive fort of library books that he had constructed. Possible, and depressingly likely. "I don’t like it."

"You dislike many things," Mikasa pointed out mildly.

Eren glowered at her. He had made a small flag out of a scrap of notebook paper, as all forts needed a flag. “I don’t see how I’m supposed to like Jean creeping up on Armin like that.”

Mikasa raised an eyebrow.

"Just  _look_  at them!” Eren hissed and gestured at them. Across the room there. Jean hunched over his book like some creep, probably trying to hide a boner. Fuck, Armin just leaned over and what if his hair brushed against Jean’s cheek when he did that? Whenever Armin’s hair made contact with any part of Eren’s body he lost complete control of his dick, so who knows what some weirdo like Jean would do —

Jean grinned suddenly, and ruffled Armin’s hair. Oh, that was fucking  ** _it_**.

Mikasa caught Eren by the ankle in mid-lunge over the table, sending his book fort collapsing atop him and to the ground. Collapsing like the book fort of his heart. Jean would pay for this, and once Eren could just break Mikasa’s hold, he’d march right over to him and rescue Armin and, while looking Jean right in the eye the whole time, smooth his fingers into Armin’s hair and ruffle it harder than Jean could even on his best day.

Eren felt gentle fingers on his cheek, and he looked up through the tears of sorrow and rage to see Armin’s concerned face.

"Jean seems to have gotten the material quicker than we planned for this session, so we broke early today." Armin lifted a book from where it had landed on Eren’s head. "Are you okay?

Eren reached up, weakly, and batted at a lock of hair hanging in Armin’s face. Just…a little more ruffling…and he’d…he’d show Jean. Armin covered Eren’s hand with his, and pressed a chaste, dry kiss to his palm. Eren gave a tight, triumphant smile, and collapsed face-down into the remains of his book fort.


	2. Really? Tabletop Gaming? No Wonder Why You All Get Eaten in an Alternate Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren can't cope with this intense level of imaginary character betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the anon prompt on my tumblr, "Prompt! Eren is a monster hunter, sent to kill a shapeshifting cat demon armin." I really hope they weren't offended that they got...whatever this is.

"Eren," Armin said gently, rubbing soothing circles into his back. "Eren. It’s just one of my NPCs. I thought everyone would’ve seen his betrayal coming from a mile away. I know your character grew a little…uh, fond, of him, but you’ll need to behead him and use his blood to open the hellgate’s threshold—"

Eren let out an incoherent, shrieking sob, and clawed uselessly at the table with one hand. The other hand held his dice in a vice grip, unmoving. The rest of the gaming table was growing restless. The pizza had long been eaten, and now they hungered for blood, for action — or at least for Eren to end his turn and stop lamenting the betrayal of the Dungeon Master’s cat demon NPC.

"Can I roll to see if one of my bard songs can get him to stop being such a little bitch?" Jean griped.

Armin rose an eyebrow as Jean threw for it. He rolled a two. Eren howled louder.

With a sigh, Armin moved to pry Eren’s hand open to confiscate his dice. “If you won’t make your roll, I’m passing your turn on to Reiner’s paladin.”

"Thy judgement as master of dungeons is absolute, my liege," Reiner said, with utter conviction. He bowed his head reverantly.

Eren dragged himself up with a heaving gasp, and clutched his dice to his chest protectively. His eyes scanned the table, wild.

"I," he whispered. His tongue flicked out to wet his lips, and his gaze locked on Armin. "I’m rolling. I’m gonna sing one of Jean’s dumb bard songs to convince Felix to come back to our side."

Armin didn’t even try to look shocked. “You’re a Warrior class with no points in music talent.”

"I. Am gonna.  _Sing,_ " Eren hissed, curling in on his dice.

The table seemed ready for a mutiny — or at least seemed ready to leave and go join Mikasa and Connie on the couch for Xbox. Armin threw up his hands.

"Fine. Roll a perfect natural twenty and Felix will abandon his centuries-long plan for domination of the kingdom and—"

Eren hurled his dice to the table with a mighty war cry. It was a twenty. Armin pressed his fingers to his temples. Well. He would have to rewrite the upcoming plot to account for Felix’s unexpected weakness for warriors air-guitaring on their swords.


	3. Eren and a Very Short-lived Prank War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're a jerk, Eren. Poopies is no laughing matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the anon prompt on my tumblr, "could i have a short humor fic perhaps? a modern au in which for once in his life Eren (being the loving sibling he is) is finally able to prank Mikasa and gets her GOOD, but then jokes on Eren because of course Mikasas gonna seek revenge. So Eren becomes paranoid and tries to avoid it (it doesn't work, Mikasa gets him back tenfold anyways) (feel free to add eremin if you wanna btw)"

Spiking Mikasa’s Muscle Milk with laxatives was funny, right? Harmless fun? She’d done way worse to him — showing Armin his embarrassing baby pictures that Eren had managed to hide during all their years of friendship. Asking them nonchalantly if they were using protection the morning after he and Armin first had sex (god, could girls smell that kind of thing? They hadn’t even stuck their dicks in each other). Reminding Eren loudly of his food allergies in front of the whole cafeteria and taking things away from him like he was five, who cares if he was slightly lactose intolerant he wanted the fucking ice cream and he was going to eat the fucking ice cream.

He was just getting her back with this, right?

Right?

Mikasa stood in the hallway outside his room, motionless, staring unblinking. Eren slowly closed the door to his room, and backed up until he hit his bed. He tried not to shake as he bundled himself underneath the covers. He tried not to breathe. He tried not to dream.

He dreamed. He dreamed of a blood red moon, and of endless fields of Muscle Milk, stretching ceaselessly into the void.

—

It wasn’t entirely a surprise to Eren that he woke up hanging upside-down from the school flagpole in his pajamas. Though he would be loath to admit it, Eren expected no less of Mikasa than to get him up here without him even waking up.

He swayed gently in the wind, reflecting on life, and determinedly refused to acknowledge Mikasa staring at him from below, sipping deliberately at her Muscle Milk.


	4. Little Eren Takes a Big Plunge (into the Pavement)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A young Eren learns a lesson in responsibility, guilt, and shattering your own bones in some twisted form of penance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the anon prompt on my tumblr, "i have 2 prompts and i cant decide which to send agh so im just sending em both and you decide! yumikuri, krista threatens ymir with no sex until she stops being rude and everyone else partakes in a bet on who can make ymir crack first; preschool eremin, eren accidentally makes armin cry and ends up injuring himself while doing a whole bunch of stupid stuff in a desperate attempt to get Armin to smile again".

The world was vast and uncaring, crushing the innocent beneath its boots, grinding them into the dust. Eren sat on the swing set, sniffling and hiccupping, tears pouring down his cheeks as his poor tiny heart shattered to bits.

He was a dumb baby. He was the stupidest, most dumbest baby, even dumber than the biggest most stupiderest baby of them all (which was Jean and would always be Jean). He’d been so excited to show Armin the stream he found just outside the playground. He just wanted to show him, and let him see all the plants and flowers and bugs there, and Armin was too scared to try and climb down the steep hill that led to the stream and Eren had begged and pleaded and  _yelled_  at him until Armin took one, tentative, shaking step, and…

…and luckily Mikasa had followed them, even though Eren told her not to, because then Eren would’ve have had to leave Armin all alone while he ran to get help from the teacher. He wasn’t strong enough to lift Armin up, even though he’d tried, he’d tried, but Armin screamed so loud and horrible when he’d tried, and, and Armin’s foot looked like it was on  _backwards_  now…

He was suddenly shoved off the swing from behind, and hit the ground hard. He whirled around, glaring through his tears at the perpetrator. Annie glared at him right back.

"If you’re not gonna swing then stop hoggin’ it," she said, and took a seat.

Eren would have raged — tried to rage, as Annie began to pump her legs to get the swing going. Alas, guilt and sorrow weighed too heavy on his heart. But then, as he stared at the fresh scratches on his hands from his fall from the swing, an idea began to form in his mind. It was so perfect, really, the most perfect of plans — Armin would be so proud of him when he pulled it off, and he’d be so happy, even with his hurt foot.

"Annie." Eren scrambled to his feet, and stood in the path of the swing to get her to stop. "Come up to the top of the monkey bars and shove me off so my foot gets broken like Armin’s."

Annie tilted her head to the side, considering. “…’kay.”

Eren wound up breaking his wrist, instead.

But he and Armin got to have their casts put on together at the hospital.


	5. Little Eren Wallows in Sorrow for the Lost Lenore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has a rich and fertile imagination, and won't ever forget that time he saw Mickey's brain get fucking cut from his head in vibrant technicolor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the anon prompt on my tumblr, "waitwaitwait but im lovin this preschool AU. what about a time when armin had been absent from preschool (and not even because of anything serious it was like to visit his granpa or s/t) and Eren goes all edgar allen poe depressed for the day (while simultaneously grating on mikasa's nerves with his overdramatics)"

It was naptime, and yet Eren did not partake. How terribly he wished to. Ah, to be able to slip into the sweet abyss of the unconscious, to dream fitful dreams of bygone times when Armin was by his side…

Those bygone times were yesterday, or thereabouts, when Armin told him that he had a doctor’s checkup today. Eren had just nodded and continued to color. What a fool he’d been, to not have grabbed Armin then and there and run away with him. Eren hadn’t seen him in class  _all day_  — what kinds of horrible things was that doctor doing to Armin? Giving him big shots, making him swallow big pills (Eren’s dad was a doctor and he knew for definite that doctors loved big shots and big pills). Maybe that doctor was like the one in that Mickey Mouse cartoon where he wanted to cut Armin open and put his brain in a scary monster because Armin was so smart and then the monster would be smart.

Eren shivered and clutched his blanket closer to him. If that happened he’d love Armin even without his brains and he’d take care of him and he’d hunt down that doctor and he’d —

"Brains don’t work like that," Mikasa mumbled from her blanket pile next to him.

Eren glared at her. Mikasa hadn’t been very supportive of him throughout this ordeal. When Eren started crying during snacktime because he usually shared his graham crackers with Armin and Armin wasn’t there and there were too many crackers and no Armins, Mikasa had just crammed all the crackers into his mouth. They tasted like cinnamon and despair. Eren buried his face into Armin’s blankets that he’d sneaked out of the blanket cubbyholes. It was soft, and smelled nice, and was absolutely no substitute for snuggling with the real Armin during naptime. But it was something.

Suddenly, a voice — Eren’s soul was dragged from the depths by the sound of it. He sat bolt upright, looking around wildly. Armin was at the door of the classroom with his grandpa, talking with the teacher. Armin clutched three lollipops in his hand, all red ones. Eren’s favorite flavor was red. Tears welled up in his eyes, and spilled over as he scrambled to his feet and raced over his classmates’ sleeping bodies to fling his arms around Armin.

"Did you get away before he stole your brains?" Eren whispered, fervently, between his sobs.

There was a small pause before Eren felt Armin nod against his shoulder. Eren hugged him tighter. Good. Eren was so very, very glad.


	6. Jean Versus the Open Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean pays Armin in dollars and food for driving lessons but needs to keep his wiener in check.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written as a request from Rio, "jean as an actual virgin who can't drive. what i'm saying is i want armin attempting to give jean driving lessons. hilarity ensues".

"You’re going 15."

Jean swallowed hard, eyes locked on the road. His eyes flicked over to Armin in the passenger seat, and he tried to give a confident smile.

"Y-yeah, we’re cruisin’, aren’t we?"

"It’s a 45 zone," Armin said, gently. "Would you like me to take the wheel until we get to a good side street to practice on?"

Jean scowled out the window at the fifth person to pass him, honking at him, that day. Fucking speed demons, he couldn’t help it if he was the only one with any survival instincts while driving a giant metal death machine. Even if that death machine was his mom’s gray ‘03 Honda.

"Nah, I, I got it, we’ll just…" Jean trailed off, and pressed his foot harder onto the gas pedal. "Kick things into overdrive here…"

They clocked in at 20 as Jean pulled into a side street. Armin wrote something down in his notebook, and shifted in his seat when Jean tried to crane his neck to see.

"Have you been practicing how to parallel park?" Armin asked, and rose his eyebrows at Jean’s groan.

"C’mon, literally no one ever tries to parallel park if they can help it," Jean griped. "Just find a parking lot and—"

"It’s on the driver’s test, so you need to learn it." Armin’s tone left no room for argument. He clicked his pen to punctuate, and gestured with it to a bare patch on the side of the road. "We’ll start small. Try pulling alongside the curb there, where there aren’t any cars."

Jean wound up over the curb, wheels spinning frantically. Armin somehow managed to coach him through getting the car righted, without either of them having to get out of the thing to push. That twenty bucks and promise to pay for lunch really seemed to be a good investment for Armin’s tutelage, Jean thought. (He…was kind of looking forward to lunch together, besides.)

Armin wrote something else in his notebook. Jean leaned on the door with his elbow, and scratched at his head.

"…sorry. And thanks," he mumbled.

Armin shook his head, chuckling softly. “I’ve seen worse. I taught Eren how to drive.”

Armin’s hair was in a ponytail today. His oversized sweater was dark blue and looked great on him. Was he saying something about fucking Eren? God, they were always all over each other, did it ever fucking quit—

Armin shut his notebook and smiled, and Jean’s thoughts derailed. “We’ll need to work on parallel parking. Why don’t we try out some three-point turns, to warm up?”


	7. Eren Versus Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin wants to try something new for Halloween and Eren likes it a lot. A whole lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written a while ago for Corinna's prompt, "the bunnygirl costume makes an appearance in HS AU and eren does not recognize armin".

Eren had told Armin that he’d come over to pick him up for the team’s Halloween party, and by that he meant Mikasa had just gotten her driver’s license and would drive him there. But still, he was there at his doorstep, dressed in his finest Yoshi costume, and wasn’t 100% on why a pair of legs had answered the door instead of Armin.

There may have been a body attached to the pair of legs, but Eren couldn’t seem to look elsewhere to confirm or deny this. 

"…sorry, if I knew Mario was going to be the theme again this year, I would’ve dug my pink dress out…"

"It’s the theme every year," Mikasa replied, giving Eren a sideways glance over her mustache. Eren didn’t know why she was looking at him like that. Luigi wasn’t as awesome as Yoshi but he could jump really high and had a magic vacuum. 

Eren felt a kiss on his cheek, and a hand sliding into his. Oh. The pair of legs appeared to be attached to Armin, who was looking just as, if not more, appealing. Wow, were yellow and black ever his colors. Wow, was that vest tight. Wow, was that dress short. 

"Should we get going?" Armin asked, tugging on his arm with a shy little smile. "I’m a little cold in this…"

Eren happily started inside when he was struck with the reminder that they had a Halloween party to attend first. Damn it. Well, it wasn’t all bad, he thought as he escorted Armin to the car. He’d party hard dressed as an awesome dinosaur with a bunnygirl on his arm, and then beat Jean’s ass at apple-bobbing, like he did every year, and then he’d escort Armin home and maybe Armin would let him touch him on the butt if he asked. Fuck, did he love Halloween.


	8. Eren Gets Confused About Math But Then Instead Phone Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Armin have phone sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for eremin porno week back in December; the prompt was "masturbation".

The problem with being a teenager — okay, there were a lot of problems. Most of the problems involved a constant desire to rub his dick on the nearest warm, soft thing, and most of the time Armin was his blessed warm, soft savior, but some of the time Armin wasn’t around and those times were bad times. Bad, bad times.

Eren languished in despair and sexual frustration on his bed. His hand hovered near the waistband of his boxers. Armin had been gone on that goddamn mathletes trip out of state with Bertholt, and was probably having a great time doing like…quadratic equations while peeling down the city streets on a motorcycle and pounding root beers. Eren never really understood what the mathletes did no matter how many times Armin tried to explain it, but whatever they were doing, it left Eren here, languishing, with an itch he just couldn’t scratch on his own.

Eren’s phone buzzed on his desk. He snatched at it eagerly, heart leaping into his throat at Armin’s name on the screen. He pressed it to his ear and curled in on himself.

"Hey."

"Hi." Armin sounded exhausted. Damn, that mathleticing must be draining. "Needed to talk to someone. One of the Canadian teams got Bert started on the tree frog thing."

Eren felt the color drain from his face. Bertholt did not get passionate about much, but wildlife conservation just turned something on in his head.

"How does this always happen…" Armin sighed. Eren could almost see him rubbing his temples as he spoke. He curled around his phone tighter.

"No one got hurt, right? No one on our team, anyway?" Eren asked. Honestly, if those fuckers were talking shit about tree frogs, Eren would go after them too. He was passionate about environmental conservation.

"Bert flipped a table and tried to crucify the rival team’s captain with protractors," Armin said. "Coach Hanji got the net before he succeeded. He’s calming himself down in the next room with Reiner on the phone. I settled him down a bit, but I think Reiner will take the edge off."

Eren hummed in agreement. His hand twitched against his bare stomach, and he absently curled his toes into the bedsheets. Talking to Armin always calmed Eren down, even at times like these when he wasn’t there beside him. The soft, matter of fact tone of his voice as he brought him back down to earth was almost, almost as good as feeling his hands clutching his own, feeling his arms curl around him, feeling his head come to rest against his shoulder. Eren let his eyes shut and absently nudged the phone with his lips.

There was a long silence on the other line. Eren could hear Armin shifting, could hear the shush of fabric against fabric.

"What are you wearing," Armin blurted out, all at once.

Eren’s brows furrowed. He looked down at himself. “My Yoshi boxers?” he answered. He took a brief moment to admire the cheerful green dinosaurs marching along the fabric.

He could hear Armin shift again on the other line. “N-nothing else?”

"No?"

The silence stretched out long, too long. Eren shifted onto his back and studied the ceiling with a frown.

"Armin, are you okay? You bought me these boxers, remember—"

"I want to try phone sex," Armin said in a rush. His breath huffed out in a tiny gasp, as if he was shocked to have said it so abruptly. "I…I’ve wanted to try it, and now that Bert’s in the other room tonight calming down—"

"Yeah," Eren said urgently. His dick had made its interest in the idea known the second the word "sex" came from Armin’s lips, the second Eren heard that little gasp. That gasp, and he said he’d been wanting it, had Armin been wanting him as bad as Eren wanted him? "Yeah, let’s — let’s do phone sex. How do we start."

Another pause, but this was comfortable, this was familiar. This was a pause of Armin thinking, of Armin laying out a plan — Eren could almost see that little crease between his eyebrows. His hand drifted down to squeeze at his cock.

"I’m wearing my pajama pants and that old shirt of yours," Armin said, thoughtfully. "Old and soft. Feels…feels nice on my skin."

Eren swore under his breath. His hand grew heavier on his cock, and he let out a shuddering breath. Fuck, he wished this kind of talk came as easily to him as it did Armin. Armin could make him hot and hard and desperate for his mouth, hands, dick, his everything, in just a few breathy sentences. Eren thought of the times he’d had Armin shaking and begging for him under his hands, thought of being able to do that with just his words.

Armin seemed encouraged by Eren’s curses and quickened breath. His voice became lower and urgent.

"If I bury my face in it I can almost still smell you. When I’m away like this, it — it gets me h-hard, thinking of your smell and your hands on me. I can’t get any relief when Bert’s still in the room, so I just have to lie there and try not to touch myself with those thoughts in my head." Armin laughed, he  _laughed_  at what he was saying, jesus fuck. “Can you even imagine how difficult that is?”

"Fucking shit, Armin," Eren moaned. He yanked his boxers down his hips and jerked into his fist, urgent and frantic. "Fuck, tell me you’re touching yourself now, please…"

Armin gave a long, shivering sigh. “I am. My, my pants are off, I still have your shirt on, it’s almost like you’re here with your hand on my c-cock and your mouth on my neck…”

Eren nearly choked on his own breath. He buried his face in his forearm, his lips desperate and burning to feel skin.

"Wish you were back, back right now, I’d just—" Eren hissed through his teeth, a shiver rolling down his spine.

Armin whimpered into the phone. “Please.  _Eren_ ,” he sighed. “Tell me what you’d do to me.”

Eren thumbed at the leaking tip of his cock. His thighs shook with need, and his hips stuttered forward to rub into his palm again.

"Get you in my mouth and suck you," he said, after a brief consideration. "You taste so fucking good."

Armin gave a whimper of his name on the other end, and Eren had to get his fingers in his mouth to suck in consolation. It was barely a substitute for Armin’s cock, but if he closed his eyes and just listened to the sounds Armin was making into the phone, his fingers could almost be heavy enough, thick enough, hard and wet enough—

Eren came into his hand with a groan, stroking himself through it as he listened to those amazing sounds Armin was making as he came a hundred, two hundred miles away. Eren’s breath slowed, calmed. He inspected his boxers briefly where they tangled around his knees. Good, he hadn’t gotten any come on them. Yoshi was too pure for that.

"Eren," Armin sighed, warm and soft and so, so fond.

Armin had him beat on dirty talk. And math, Eren added as he grabbed a handful of tissues from the bedside table. But Eren had always been the more hands-on type — he’d make good on that part once Armin was back home.


	9. How the Annie Stole Easter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Annie is going through her "mine" phase.

Today was the day the Easter Bunny hatched from an egg when Jesus smashed it open with a rock. Or something. Eren wasn’t totally solid on the specifics, but he liked Easter because he loved the thrill of the chase, the feel of plastic grass against his fingertips, and the pretty colors.

Armin had also come to school today in overalls with a bunny face on the front and a little cotton tail on his bottom. Eren beheld it with no little reverence as Armin carefully crouched down to peer under a bush for eggs. A cotton tail. On his _bottom._ Eren could not process the myriad emotions he was experiencing, but knew that this was a blessed sight for such a blessed day.

Eren’s veneration of the sight before him was interrupted by the impact of a foot to his ankles. He spun around, scowling. Annie stood there, returning the scowl measure for measure. Eren spared a glance to her basket, then to his and Armin’s. Annie’s basket was overflowing with eggs; she’d even stuffed them into her jacket’s hood and pockets. Mrs. Ackerman had said that they were only allowed six eggs each, and then they would have to help each other find the rest. Annie’s flagrant disregard of egg hunt guidelines made Eren’s stomach turn uneasily.

Annie kicked him again, this time in the knees. Armin clutched his basket closer to his chest, his face taking on that same worried look he got whenever he saw those big kids from the elementary school that always shoved him and tried to steal his bag. Eren’s mind raced, his hands clenched around the handle of his basket. Annie liked to hit people, but she wasn’t a bully like those big dumb jerks. She maybe just felt like kicking him—ow, scratch that, she definitely felt like kicking him.

Annie stalked around them, kicking at Eren’s feet and ankles, herding them in the direction of the playground’s slide. Eren’s arm wrapped around Armin protectively; his hand clutched at Armin’s cotton tail to grant himself the strength and fortitude to stand tall. Armin let out a whimper when Annie’s hand grasped at the strap of his overalls to steer him, and Eren barely had time to snarl when Annie was already releasing her grip. So—she wasn’t trying to bully them? Then what was the meaning of her interrupting their egg hunt and also Armin’s cotton tail?

Her intentions were not made any clearer when they reached the underside of the slide playset. Reiner and Bertholt were already there, Bertholt sadly poking at the cedar chips on which he sat, Reiner cheerfully waving them in. A massive pile of eggs sat at the center of this fortress. Annie emptied her basket and hoodie onto the pile, and scurried back to the entryway to scowl at the four of them. She backed away slowly, stalking off and away to continue her mysterious quest.

Armin’s hands twisted on the handle of his basket, and he looked at Eren uneasily. Eren was spurred into action, linking his arm with Armin’s.

“We’re leaving,” Eren said, determined.

Bertholt gazed balefully up at them. “You’re not allowed,” he said, almost too soft and quiet to hear. “Annie says.”

Eren’s brows furrowed in thought, and after a moment of it, he let out a shriek of frustration. Armin patted his cheek consolingly. The raging storm of emotion in his heart was stilled in an instant.

“Why not?” Armin asked the other two, obliging. “She didn’t say why we’re here. She just kicked Eren a lot.”

Reiner nodded, excited. “She kicked us too! We’re prisoners!” he explained. “And so are you!”

Ah, so the mystery was unravelling. Except it wasn’t and Eren was still confused. He let out another shriek and stomped his feet a bit. Armin’s hand found his, and again was the sound and the fury quelled. Armin simply nodded at Reiner’s words, a thoughtful expression on his face as he looked at the pile of eggs at the room’s center. Annie appeared at the entryway again, this time herding Jean, Sasha, and Connie inside. This was becoming too much. Eren could see a lot of nice things about being a prisoner with Armin, but being a prisoner with Jean sounded really annoying. Annie gave Sasha one last kick for eyeing her egg pile, and disappeared once more.

“I think,” Armin began, quietly. Eren eagerly awaited his words, because when Armin thought things, Eren was always less confused. “That Annie wants to collect all the eggs. And also all of us. Maybe to sit on us, like dragons do.”

Well. Eren was a little less confused. He could definitely see the appeal of a mountain of plastic candy-filled eggs, and also maybe even sitting on Armin. But Armin was very small and so he’d probably hurt him. Eren was filled with despair, and threw his head back to let out a mighty shriek.

Annie poked her head through the entryway, eyes wide. She had Ymir by the ponytail and Krista by the bow on her back, and hurled them both into her fortress, sending them careening into the treasure pile. Eren heard her scale the ladder on the outside, probably scanning for the oncoming threat. And oncoming that threat was – Eren saw a splash of red against the swings, and a basket overflowing with eggs.

Mikasa stalked closer to the slide fortress, her eyes locked on Annie as she slid down the slide to face her. Annie slowly unwrapped a chocolate peanut butter cup, crumpling the foil in her fist. Mikasa’s eyes narrowed. The birds flew from the trees in one great flutter of motion, and silence fell over the playground.

Mikasa did not drop her basket to the ground, did not eat a piece of candy, because Mrs. Ackerman said they were only supposed to have them afterward and at home when their parents said so. She stared Annie down steadily.

“You think you’re too cool for school,” Mikasa said. “But you’re _not._ ”

A gasp went up from the prisoners at this most frigid of burns. Annie’s jaw clenched as she chewed the peanut butter cup, and she deliberately put her hand up and out to drop the crumpled wrapper onto the ground. _Littering._ Eren just couldn’t take this any longer.

“YOU ARE DISGRACING THE EASTER BUNNY’S SACRIFICE FOR MANKIND,” Eren yowled, anger and betrayal boiling up from his chest and eyes weeping fat tears of sorrow. He collapsed to the ground, overcome with emotion, and Armin knelt to kiss his nose gently.

Such a pure sight of candid passion and affection seemed to touch the hearts of all present, or maybe it was the fact that Mrs. Ackerman had come out to tell them that their colored eggs were done drying. Eren wobbled to his feet with Armin’s support, and gratefully took the wad of tissues he offered to wipe his eyes and blow his nose.

Eren gazed to the skies, feeling the approving gaze of the heavenly rabbit upon him, and gazed once more at Armin’s cotton tail. It bounced a little with each step Armin took. The rhythm entranced and soothed Eren’s soul, and led him to approach the furthest stages of enlightenment as they all marched back inside.

Easter had been saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M NOT FOUR DAYS LATE FOR EASTER YOU'RE JUST IMAGINING THINGS


	10. Gentlemen Prefer Blonds, But Reiner's Really Dumb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids try to lend Bertl a hand in his love woes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I opened fic requests on my tumblr, Allen requested, "the collective might of the cast of attack on high school athletics have to convince reiner that bertolt isn't secretly in love with annie before bertolt suffers another nervous breakdown and ruins their chances at regionals".

"Reiner," Armin said, patiently. His fingers rubbed at his temple. "Please try to focus on the matter at hand."

Reiner nodded. "Yeah, we're here to get our Mario Kart on, right? For the regionals?"

"The regionals are in ping-pong, and we lied to you about being invited over for Mario Kart so we could tie you to a chair. This is an intervention."

Reiner sighed, and leaned forward, understandingly.

"Look," he said, gentle. "If you guys can't handle how well I play Princess Peach, that's fine, but can't we just talk about this like the grown adults we are--"

"We are fifteen and Bertholt's being picked up from the police station as we speak by his parents," Armin said. "He tried to steal a sky-writing plane to see if that would get the message across to you a bit better."

Reiner tilted his head to the side. A Labrador could not have looked more puzzled. "Message? Bertl and I are pals, what's he gotta steal a plane for to--"

"Standing outside your window with a boom-box playing love songs? That didn't give you a hint?"

Reiner laughed. "Bertl's such a pal, he was just trying to make sure I got my beauty rest to the soothing sounds of N*Sync--"

"All those notes in your locker? Addressed to you, signed by him?"

Reiner smiled wide. "That sly dog, always practicing on me for his letters to Annie."

"Ripping his outfit off during the cheerleading meet to reveal your name scrawled in sharpie all over him?"

Reiner nodded, eagerly. "Yeah! Just testing out a new cheer routine, I bet. Watch out, next match will have your name all over it!"

Armin tented his fingers in front of his face, closed his eyes, breathed deep. Eren raised his hand.

"I've walked in on the two of you giving each other blowjobs in the locker rooms like six times now," Eren said.

"Nine," groaned Jean.

Reiner chuckled good-naturedly. "Now, guys, I know none of you probably have gotten to that point in your personal maturity yet, but sometimes, when two guys who are really great pals find that their penises are getting hard when they see each other, they know it's because their friendship is just that strong, and that's when they give each other what I call a 'Friend Job'--"

Eren blinked, confused. "I call it a blowjob and I give them to Armin because he's my boyfriend."

Reiner tsked and shook his head. "Now, Eren, that's--"

Bertholt kicked the door in, trembling with rage, drenched with purpose, and also sweat. He clapped his hands, once, twice, and Connie appeared with a boom-box. Sasha came from behind, and rattled a tambourine encouragingly.

As the tender strains of “I Want to Know What Love Is” filled the air, with Bertholt cry-screaming the lyrics in an oblivious Reiner’s face as he absently jammed to the tune, Armin threw up his hands. Hopefully Krista could handle the cheering for the ping-pong championships on her own.


	11. Mikasa's Magical Mystery Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa and Optimus Prime solve a dastardly kidnapping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I opened fic requests on my tumblr, anon requested: "gOD THE ONE TIME YOURE OPEN TO REQUEST AND I HAVE NOTHING IN MIND I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK AND IM NOT EVEN THE ONE WRITING WHAT THE FUCK IS THcan you perhaps do some more preschool mikannies? somehow baby yuri's trying to rip the tendons from each others throats warms my heart."

It was a warm and bright Saturday afternoon, and Eren and Armin were exactly two minutes overdue in her living room for their weekly cartoon marathon. Mikasa’s eyes narrowed suspiciously as she stared out the front window, watching, waiting for them to appear on her doorstep.

She reviewed the information at hand. It was a fact that Eren and Armin had weekly Friday sleepovers, approved by their parents and grandfather respectively, alternating between houses. Eren lived down the street from her, Armin did not. When sleepovers happened at the Jaeger residence, Eren’s mother would permit the two of them to make the short walk down the sidewalk to Mikasa’s house the following morning. If at the Arlert residence, they would be chauffeured by Armin’s grandfather. It was a Jaeger week, and Mikasa knew that Eren took his cartoons seriously, and Armin, his appointments.

The evidence was clear. Eren and Armin had been kidnapped, and it was up to Mikasa to save them.

She gathered supplies (a baseball bat, a granola bar, and her mother’s baseball hat), and her sidekick. Optimus Prime the Shiba puppy snored lazily in his dog bed. Her parents had just got him for Mikasa a few months ago, and told her to name him after her favorite thing. They said “Erenarmin” would be too confusing for the boys and “Pizza” was not a good dog name. Optimus Prime blinked at her sleepily as Mikasa buckled him into his harness and leash, and he yawned and shuffled out the door behind her. Mikasa set her hand over her heart solemnly as she regarded her house.

_I am sorry, mommy and daddy. We will return once our mission is complete._

She set off down the driveway and sidewalk, marching with purpose toward the Jaeger residence. Optimus Prime was already failing in his sidekick duties, and she dragged him along behind her as he laid down on the sidewalk. How could she save any hostages with this kind of accompaniment? And the cartoon clock was ticking.

Suddenly, she heard a familiar shriek/squawk. She whirled around just in time to see Eren burst out of a bush, then get dragged in again by the hood of his coat. She picked up Optimus Prime, arranged him in her arms so she could still brandish her baseball bat, and raced over on swift feet.

As she burst through the bush, she saw that her suspicions were correct. It was Annie Leonhardt behind it all. Not a recess went by at school without her trying to kidnap someone, and sometimes it was someone Mikasa didn’t care about, but other times it was Eren and Armin. And it seemed that, more and more often, it was. Annie scowled at her, with a strange twinkle in her eyes. She released her hold on Eren’s hood, and turned to face Mikasa.

This was a strange kidnapping spot; strange even for Annie. There were no landmarks to serve as an appropriate base to hold the hostages, nothing more than a skinny birch tree and some flower beds. It was almost like Annie was just trying to lure Mikasa here. For a final showdown, no doubt. Mikasa brandished her bat. Optimus Prime squirmed out of her arms and trotted over to flop down at Annie’s feet, begging for belly rubs. He was officially relieved of sidekick duties from this point forward.

Armin’s small voice broke the stand-down.

“Maybe Annie wants to come and watch cartoons with us. The Ninja Turtles are starting soon.”

Annie’s expression twitched, just a little. Mikasa slowly lowered her bat. Optimus Prime whined, defeated, and went to beg Eren and Armin for pets. Armin sneezed once, twice, giggling through it all as Optimus Prime jumped on him to lick his face, Eren yelling at the puppy angrily to stop slobbering on Armin.

Perhaps, Mikasa thought, for just one episode. But if Leonardo wasn’t her favorite then she wasn’t allowed back.


	12. Little Eren versus Lawless Literature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's service of justice is presented with an intense moral dilemma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I opened fic requests on tumblr, nihonlove requested, "Prompt (since you said you were still taking them): Shingekis as police officers, getting into shenanigans! (Lashed with your wonderful humour ;).)"

Connie’s dad was a police officer, and let him bring in a pair of handcuffs for Show and Tell that day. The reaction was awed, and by the time recess rolled around, most of the class marched out to the playground intent on patrolling to uphold justice.

Eren being a strong supporter of justice in all forms, he was, of course, among the proud team. But oh, if he knew what would await him on that day’s beat.

His patrol led him to Armin’s favorite reading spot underneath the shady tree near the swings. Armin smiled at him, so sweet and nice like always, and asked him if he wanted to sit down and rest for a bit. Justice never rested, but Eren could maybe watch with an eagle eye for wrongdoing from this spot.

Eren craned his neck to see what Armin was reading today. It had a title too hard for Eren to read, and looked very thick. It was “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”, Armin explained. He hadn’t been able to check it out of the school library, had to take it from his grandfather’s library, because it was…it was…

“It’s on the banned books list,” Armin whispered to him, eagerly. “So the libraries can’t have it.”

Eren’s eyes grew wide. Armin was reading a _banned_ book. That meant it was _illegal_. It was about huckleberries; were those _drugs_? Eren’s world was crashing down around him; Armin’s voice, eagerly explaining to him the story, was but a soft, muted whisper in the back of his mind. Was this a test to prove his commitment to the path of righteousness? Would he…have to arrest Armin?

“It’s about two little boys going out and exploring, having adventures.” Armin reached out to twine his fingers with Eren’s, shyly. “I thought we could read it together.”

Eren’s resolve crumbled, disappeared in the wind. He nodded, after a small pause. If it took descending into the criminal underworld to make Armin happy, then Eren knew he had no other path to take.


	13. Little Eren Versus Dietary Restrictions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, there is little justice left in the world. But Eren will make it right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this for Eremin Week 2 back in May, for the prompt "Secret Rendezvous".

Eren was pumped for this to be an amazing day.

On the surface, it was a day at preschool like any other. But his lunch pail held an amazing treasure: _three_ peanut butter cups, bestowed on him by his dad as a reward for not telling his mommy that daddy was blowing things up in his secret basement lab again. Eren’s moral code was unshakeable, but the idea of bringing such an astounding horde into school the next day was all too tempting. Plus he knew his mommy was just pretending to not know about daddy’s basement science anyway.

Treasures meant nothing if hoarded though, so as Eren settled down to the lunch table next to Armin and Mikasa, he summoned their attention to produce his prize with the ideal amount of flourish. Mikasa hmmed and accepted hers with a quiet affirmation, studying the wrapper with rapt attention. But, Armin…no matter how close Eren shoved it to his face, he kept inching away. It…couldn’t be that Armin didn’t like peanut butter cups? Eren’s eyes went wide, and he shoved the candy at him again with frantic determination. But Armin was perfect and that didn’t make sense. Eren’s young mind wasn’t ready for this level of upheaval in his worldview—

“No thank you,” Armin said quietly. Eren pushed the candy against his cheek again, marveling in how it dimpled even in his determination. “My grandpa says I’m not allowed to have candy.”

Eren knew the world was a dark, cruel place. Sometimes, he had to go to bed at eight instead of eight-thirty. Sometimes, animals didn’t want to play with him. Sometimes, his cartoons got replaced by cartoons that he hated. And now, the terrible realization that his dearest friend was being kept from the finest things in life made tears of sorrow, tears of rage sprung to Eren’s eyes.

“How could he do that?” Eren demanded. “You’re supposed to eat candy! That’s why they make it!”

Armin’s hands closed around his apple, and he brought it up as if to hide behind it as he took a bite.

“He says sugar makes me kooky.”

Eren growled and unwrapped the candy with single-minded purpose. He presented the unwrapped candy to Armin’s face once more.

“Then we can all be kooky together.”

Mikasa nodded solemnly, chocolate already smeared across her cheek. Armin stared at the candy, longingly, before he gingerly reached up to take it between thumb and pinky finger.

By the time lunch was through, Armin had read every book in the school building. Armin told Eren that he’d solved science. Eren asked him what the solution was.

“Electrolytes,” Armin slurred back, before collapsing onto the reading rug. 


	14. Eren Thinks the Stork Is Some Kind of Unprotected Sex Seeking Missile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Request fic, from tumblr user ceedawkes: "do a fic abt that one time eren was 1000% sure he'd gotten armin teen pregnant and did his best to step up to the plate by getting a manly job and building a house of domesticity".

It was just all so sudden. He’d meant to pick up more condoms, or just settle in for an exciting night of blowjob trading, but they’d gotten back from Red Lobster with the team, and endless shrimp always got Armin’s motor running, and — one thing led to another — that thing being that Eren fucked him without a condom —

— and Armin was in the bathroom the next morning, heaving into the toilet. Eren came to the sobering realization that Armin was clearly pregnant from the encounter, and that he was soon to be a father. 

Suddenly, Eren could feel a pair of eyes burning into his skull from the window. He sighed and turned to mournfully return the gaze. Mikasa’s eyes narrowed at him.

"…you penetrated Armin without protection," she deduced. "Irresponsible. I am quite certain that I left the two of you with enough supplies to last several months."

Eren snorted.  _Someone_  clearly underestimated him and Armin. 

"I made him pregnant," Eren said, somber. Mikasa nodded back.

"Taking responsibility. The hallmark of oncoming maturity." Mikasa flexed, tearing the arms off her shirt in the process. "I will build the two of you a cabin to commemorate the start of your family. It will be complete by sundown."

With that, Mikasa disappeared into the trees. Armin stumbled out of the bathroom, blinking blearily after her.

"…whassat about a cabin?" he slurred, then shuddered. " _Ugh_. Those clams must have been off at dinner last night. Can only imagine how Bertholt is doing this morning…”

Eren nodded sincerely, and tried to rack his brain for intel on whether shellfish were an okay dinner option for the expecting. He came up with nothing. “I hope the clams are okay for the baby…”

Armin squinted at him, trying to piece together the Eren Thought Process from his many years of knowing him. (More recently, in the Biblical sense.) It appeared to dawn on him, and he sighed. He tenderly sat on the bed next to Eren, and held his hands.

"Eren," Armin began. "Let me explain to you about the birds and the bees, and how neither of them can get pregnant through anal sex…"


End file.
